Sunday, July 19, 2009

Chatroom Rule #1-I will view your webcam but you're not allowed to stand up

So my angelfish were at a family reunion in Kansas with my parents (I couldn't make it because of work). Once I was done with work, I was left the rest of the day to entertain myself. In theory this sounded like heaven. I never had the house to myself. But when it came down to it, the house was too quiet, too empty, and I was bored out of my mind without the constant interuptions.

What's a shy single fish to do? Check out a chat room of course. It should be noted that the last time I was in a chat room was about 13 years ago, so the rules have changed, as I was to find out.

First off, you don't actually have to say anything when you're in a chat room. Your mere presence is enough to start a frenzy of instant messages popping up all over your screen, like zits on prom night. As soon as you reveal that you're a real person and not a bot, it's on.

The conversation almost always begins with the asl request. For those of you who avoid chat rooms like the plague (good for you), this stands for age/sex/location. Okay, totally understandable. It's good to know if you're talking to someone close to your age, the sex you're interested in, and if they live close enough for dinner if things go well.

At this point, the conversation forks off in a couple of different directions.
1. You discover you're talking to a bot. A mindless device that sends you requests to view their webcam as they writhe around in various stages of undress and doesn't actually respond to anything you say. These are immediately ignored.
2. Small talk. Likes and dislikes, profession, marital status, family.
3. Cybersex. This is usually after the small talk, but not always. This can be anything from what kind of underwear are you wearing to how do you feel about guys who wear your underwear. This fork of the conversation seems to happen in 95% of conversations.

One odd thing about chat rooms, is the number of younger guys who want to talk to you. By no means am I over the hill, but I was totally shocked at the number of guys in their early to mid twenties who have no qualms about an older woman. It's actually a nice ego boost.

At some point in the conversation, comes the question-Do you have pics or a cam? I have a couple good pics I keep on my computer, mostly to post to MySpace or Facebook for my friends. I don't have a cam. A webcam just invites trouble. Even if I had a cam, I'm not sure I would admit it. I'm usually willing to share a pic if the other person will share theirs. About half the time, they don't have a pic, but they have a webcam.

In all my gullible glory, I have agreed to view the webcam. It usually starts with their face, but then they stand up! And let me tell you, I have seen an amazing array of anatomy. Big, small, crooked, straight, snipped, natural. Note to guys, unless a girl in some way indicates they want to see your male parts, don't stand up! It's like opening a box of chocolates and reaching for what you're sure is your favorite flavor and biting into a severed finger. Not a good suprise.

So this has become my first rule of any chat room conversation. I will view your webcam, but you're not allowed to stand up.

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